Hamster Abu

09:03 pm: omj
oh my Jebus
did I sound like such an emo goth in those last two posts or what
aa

02:23 am: dieing message
y-yo my head hurts
I drank like  5 soda cans and this is continuing from my last journal entry where I explained that my head hurts cuz I kept hurting it and I said why, although I am sure I wouldn't of hurt my head at all if sugartastic, Nikki Renee Smith, was my girlfriend..

My head really does hurt.
I might have like tramatic brain injury or something
my brain could be bleeding

so I have to say some things, for in case I die!

akumu ankoku, I feel bad about her, she sent me so many nice drawings of us that I liked.  She never returned the games she borrowed from me, such as Super Mario 3D Land, and Star Fox 64 3D.  I feel bad about her.

Nikki Renee Smith, that's whom I truly love!!  I really, really, do!!  I'm sure that this could have been prevented if she was just my girlfriend, then I would have been too happy that she's my girlfriend to have ever bothered hurting myself.

and then, I like Nikki Renee Smith's siblings.

Doo, Nikki's sister, is REALLY, REALLY COOL!!   I really do think that she's cool and so awesome!!!  Gosh darn it!!  I want her to know how much I like her and how cool and awesome she is.

and I REALLYYYYYYYYYY LIKE Nikki Renee Smith!!  She's such an amazing person!!!!

I REALLY LOVE Nikki Renee Smith!!!

I like Akumu Ankoku, too, I feel bad about her not liking me any more.

I REALLY LOVE NIKKI RENEE SMITH!!!

I really like my brother and my niece, too.

I really bet that I am going to die, young.

I just want Nikki Renee Smith to know that I love her,
I want Christine Smith to know that I think she's so Cool and Awesome, and talented, Nikki is also cool and awesome and talented, as well as, well I could go on forever about Nikki~!

Anyways, I really, really don't want to die.  I wish my mom never harassed me..
;_;

also i never forget my old friends, even my ex-girlfriends are friends I wish I had, I'm not obsessed over them like I used to when they first broke up with me, but I do have a lot of memories of everyone I know from the past, like uhmmm vicky (IM NOT OBSESSED, but I do remember the times I met her, and a lot of it, too, and conversations she had with me, I have a lot of them in my memories,) merica (I like how she USED to admire me, that's what finally got me over Vicky a bit in the first place,) Nora, Akumu, Jen, Qzxyntop, and I'm sure I just mentally scarred some of those people somehow, cuz they don't seem to like me at all any more, but snap.

I really love Nikki.
I don't want to die..  but my head hurts, I could have a bleeding brain.
I really love Nikki
aaaa
;_;

god and if I die, I really hope people PLAY TEH games I made on my computer
I'm talkin
Pokequest 2 on RPG Maker 95 that I made in elementary school, Rita's Adventure on RPG Maker 2003, Pokequest 2 the remake in RPG Maker 2003, Abu Land the web browser game you have to google to play that I made in Stencyl, Ham Ham Rivals my online multiplayer game I started up in 2002 and have been massively updating for years, and I forget what the heck else there is.

if anyone wants to pick up my Hamster Rivals series idea, that would be Great, but I'm not sure if that would happen, I'm just saying that I've been having that Hamster Rivals idea in my head since 2002, where its my Ham Ham Rivals idea except instead of having hamtaro and boss and bijou from hamtaro in it, it just has original characters replacing them, I'd explain it more but aaaaaaa

http://hhr.wikia.com/wiki/Ham_Ham_Rivals_Wiki
yo I really love Nikki
and her siblings
and I like akumu but she doesnt care about me at all now
and I like my brother and my niece
the person I'm most comfortable around is my mom, but ironically, she's the one that always harasses me.
I don't even know what to say about Sauce, the guy from Georgia that's been my best online friend since 2004, except he's another person I'm really comfortable talking to about anything, and that he's a jerk.  but at least it was fun playing games with him, like SNES games online with him, and random free RPG games and such.  what a jerk tho, but, at least he always just wanted me to improve.
I wish I could meet Nikki, I wish I could live with Nicole (Nikki, that is,) and I also wish I got to hang out with Sauce.

I wish the people in the place I live in knew about the COOL STUFF.
Space Dandy, Kill la Kill, Gurren Lagann, One Piece, E3, NeoGAF, and The Weeabootique team fortress 2 server where I like to hang out online.

also I still do like watching Bleach, up to the end of the Soul Society arc, and then also the Fullbringer arc, even tho my brother's girlfriend said she saw the first episode and she f-wording hates it, but yea.

anyways, I think I am going to die.  I'll go ahead with the habit I have of repeating myself.
I love Nikki,
I also like the people I talked about,
I wanted to see through with my Hamster Rivals series idea, but I never had a girlfriend or a true friend besides Sauce to push me to do it.
I really love Nikki.
I Really Fucking Hate living at my parents house where brother's girl calls me scum and such
it relaly Fuckign Sucks and I wish I got to move out before I fucking died which would have been prevented if I moved out, or if sugartastic (Nikki Renee Smith) was my girlfriend, but o fuckin well
see you
space dandy
i mean space cowboy
pls play my games
and my hamster rivals idea would've been cool, it also parodies a bunch of anime and games and cartoons, if I ever animated my Hamster Rivals cartoon series I always wanted to make, or made it a video game, or a book, or a comic, whatever.

I love the people that I mentioned,
ok bye

11:26 pm: you know I really do think I ioetjtie might die soon
ok the doctor didnt say anything, this is paranoria and the fact that I
I LIVE WITH MY ABUSIVE MOM AND
the Community Options services that we contacted 3 years ago
STILL hasn't come and helped me even tho we keep calling them and everyone complains how slow they are
they're supposed to help me move out
but its been like over a year or 2 or more and they are taking FOREVER @___@ but anyways

my mom
I dunno if you believe me
my mom really, truly does harass me
especially when we're alone
like her mom always abused her and punched her as she fell on the cement ground outside
my dad always cheats on my mom
so maybe that has SOMETHING to do with why my mom
LITERALLY DOES HARASS ME without me provoking her, AT ALL.
@_@;;;

and anyways, I often times hurt my head when that would happen, cuz I'd feel bad and guilty that my mom would harass me ;_;...  And stuff (stuff....allofmyoldfriendsdontlikeme)

and like she does harass me
hard
and like
after 2 days ago the
the day before then I didn't sleep at all
and then the yea 2 days ago I went to the dentist after not sleeping the night before that
and after the dentist and moving the computer desk in the @_@ basement my brother and his girl the ... they moved into my parents house, so now instead of my computer being upstairs, now its in the basement and my bro and his girl live upstairs :3
they made my dad pay lots of money to get the basement get cleaned up, and now my dad complains bro and his girl never use it, and when a friend is over, my bro and his girl say "OH we don't go down in this dumb basement, that's just where Jesse lives."  aa
ok anyways
after not sleeping and going to the dentist appointment and cleaning the flooded basement and moving computer desk and cleaning the flooded basement I FINALLY slept
then when everyone but my mom was gone
she came in screaming "JESSE!!!!!!!!!!  JESSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and I jumped out of bed, and she told me she justed wanted me to lock a door, so I did that, and then
I swear to god, I was talking normally, not in a mean way, and my mom does this thing she does @_@  I used to ask her pls don't yell at me... so now the
she kept saying I was yelling at her when I SWEAR TO GOD I was not, I was talking in my @_@  Just Got out of Bed voice, which is louder than mad mad quiet, and she said I was yelling at her
and then I hurt myself in the bedroom when she said OK YOU CAN go back to sleep now, cuz I felt bad
then I came out cuz I couldn't sleep I felt bad
and even tho last time mom saaid DROP IT DROP my saying that you yelled at me
she asked me a question, and I answered it normally, not yelling at all, and she told me
"Why are you yelling at me??"  when I WASN't!!!  and I told her that, and she said "I thought I told you to drop the yelling thing" and I said "But you just asked me why you were yelling at me," and my mom said "Last time I said you were yelling at me, this time I was asking why you were yelling at me, that's completly different" and I had no idea @___@ what the heck she was trying to say with that I was just confused, so I followed her in the kitchen

she led me into the kitchen where a brand-new pack of eyedrops were, I guess that's what she wanted me to see and probably why she even bothered waking me up maybe, even though she Literally got the SAME EXACT kind of eyedrops Literally the day before that, so I went in my room and put the eyedrops next to the same exact kind of eyedrops she got me the day before, and I came out and she @_@  yelled at me all snottily asking where knives were..

that's all part of one of the harassing routines my mom does whenever it is just Me and my mom alone
she'll say I'm yelling at her when I'm not,
she'll keep yelling at me all snottily randomly,
she'll say What?  when I talk quieter for her, seriously, everything I said besides those 2 times she said I was yelling at her when I wasn't, she would just keep saying what?  so yeah @___@  I don't get it, when I talk loud enough so that she doesn't say what?  she says that I am yelling at her, and asks me why I am yelling at her, and I always say I'm not and I just want her to hear what I am saying

and then she said ok you can go back to sleep now
and so I went back to the bedroom and I felt so bad about all of this, I kept hurting my head more
and then when I layed down to sleep, I literally just felt grief about what my mom did of waking me up yelling my name, just for her to keep harassing me, and I looked at the clock and I was just laying down for over an hour feeling bad that my mom harassed me, all while my head hurt

and now its a day or 2 later and my head still hurts a lot when I touch it..

I told my mom that I did that today, finally, and she kept saying OH SO THAT'S WHY YOU KEEP ACTING ALL DAFFY.  so I hurt myself again today cuz my mom told me that I act Daffy...  I would just drink a beer and play fun friday to relax instead of that, but I didn't have that so whatever, anyways

aaaaaa

the reason I said I think I might die soon, one reason is cuz my head still hurts, and I just looked at a bunch of websites, and they all said a small injury on the head could mean that your brain is bleeding, and there's no room for that blood, and that it may cause things like parts of your brain shutting down like the part that lets you breathe normally, and it can cause lots of bad things or death

usually when my mom harasses me, I go downstairs, open a bottle of beer and watch funny videos, but I didn't have that, and my dad always thinks I'm either an alcoholic, or have anxiety, or that I act the way I do because I "have an evolved form of aspberger's," and every time my dad says one of those 3 things, it just makes me wanna cut my wrists and bathe in a bathtub full of my own blood

that is all

01:11 am: brooke

Yohohoho!  I meant, I'm broke.

My ex-girlfriend..  Really did..  Abuse me..  Really =X..  and then when @_@  I mean..  She freaked OUT over a VERY LIL THING, my shrink counselar person told me she's twisted and that I did nothing wrong,

I kept telling my Counselar that it seems like I did something bad when I told my ex "PLZ LEAVE THE YAOI AND YURI FACEBOOK GROUPS, and why is Grell your facebook friend, my character Sikeeh is cooler than him!  >-<" and I kept saying it seems like I was being too blah or something, but my counselar said there's nothing wrong with being a little overprotective of her >-<  My ex should've talked to me more about it instead of freaking out on her facebook profile saying she feels like Cutting and cutting her wrists, when all I was doing was telling her that I Love her and that "I'm sorry ;___;" what the heck ;-;

and now she removed me from her..device I bought her..  I bought her a lot of gifts..  A LOT.  And I singed to myself every single night, "Purreesha, Purresha, I Love you, Purreesha, I Love you, until the eeend of tiime (and beyond~)" and yet

SHE SAID ON HER FACEBOOK =X profile that "That's the last time I let a Hooman use me."

THAT.  TEARS ME.  APART.  AND STUFF.  She ABUSED ME.  REALLY.  SERIOUSLY.

I didn't want to do lovey stuff EVERY TIME we met.  I'd keep telling her "I just want to play playstation." and she'd keep begging me to do..certain things.. and then I'd say no and she'd always look sad and keep saying "Wh-what's wrong, you don't like *something something* ;___;?  You think it's gross? ;______; *looks SUPER SUPER SAD*" until I did it, and then she'd feel bad cuz I always looked disgusted cuz I didnt wanna do xtreme things, and yeah @__@ and she always..  BLAH

This shatters all of my beliefs!  This, and the stuff Vicky said when she broke up with me, about how if I ever make a friend she'll make them hate me, and that she'll make my entire family hate me one day, that she told me on MapleStory as an Archer in 2005 blah, they both break me and stuff =X.

I thought if I JUST believe in Cute adorable panties of innocence, that if I DON't go to strip clubs and drink beer while making perverted XD Sex jokes while saying lots of Bad Words really loudly at stripper bars, then I would have a good life, if I just be as innocent as Cute adorable panties of innocence.

But with teh vickay/Merica (Not really her, I stalked her and I see why she got so mad at me before now,)/Nora getting over me/AKUMU MY EX-GIRLFRIEND/Nikki not talking to me cuz Nikki is jealous of Akumu

TEH BLAH IT TWISTS MY BELIEFS
THIS HAPPENED A MONTH AGO
my moms worried I'm an alcoholic every day ever since then cuz just like when my ex-girlfriend was mad at me for 3 months for another st00ped lil reason ok ok sorry, I kept drinking beer then to drink the pain away, and now I am now, and I HATE BEER I RLY DO everyone keeps saying "I CANT BELIEVE YOU LOVE LOVE AND LOVE AND LOVE AND LOOOVE AND LIKE AND LOOVE drinking beer a lot, mr. abu guy." but I actually HATE DRINKIN BEER but I need to poison my body cuz io3io I Mean I DUNNO BUT I


I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO
I finally started to like the way that she abused me, er I mean loved me, right after she broke up with me blah.  my counselar said my ex-girlfriend was just throwing out words without really knowing what they mean, I don't understand her saying she won't let another hooman use her again and stuff =X.


OH BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABYYYYYYYYYY LET ME TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, YEAH YEAH

[Lots of stuff I had to edit out, cuz of the same reason I can't update this journal much >-<  haters look at my journal]

I have a Nice Job, a Very Nice Job that I can't say, for the same reason I NEVER EVER WRITE IN THIS JOURNAL which is [edited out.]

ok here
I KEEP SINGING THIS EVERY DAY seriously, I NEED My ex-girlfriend back.  You don't understand.  She sent me over 9,000 literally .. notes .. on the device I bought her that she removed me on now..  Even the day she broke up with me, she sent me very extreme loveydovey messages on that device right before then.  It BURNS!!!  To use my version of that device now, seeing those messages..  She seriously abused me, I don't care what you think, blah.  anyways feel free to be my friend.

02:22 am: woaaaaaaaaaah
all anime/manga keep being SUPER RUSHED TO THE MAX in the final moments of their arcs Just Saying
it only happened in everything ever
and now it's happening
in everything ever
such as pokemans gosh